Can’t go back

You saw her

somehow,

and I’m not sure why.

A slip of a pronoun

and she’s brought to the front

aware and open,

there’s no hiding it now.

This stomach clenching love disarms me

throws me off guard,

frightens.

You make me want to rock

to cry,

scream,

throw up

I don’t know how to handle you here.

How did you see her

why did you ask?

This room scares me

with it’s big open spaces and grey corners,

how did you get in here?

Little s, big S,

there’s so much more.

These secrets are hers, she’ll tell if she wants,

but right now I am unsure.

How did you know to ask

how could you get past these defenses?

This stomach clenching love scares me

throws me off balance,

topples.

These queries send me running

to a safety,

a hiding place,

a song.

I need its comfort to handle you here.

How did you see her

why did you ask?

This room is so big

with its wide open spaces,

how?

how?

how did you get in here??

My strangeness with numbers

So apparently my profile has been viewed 67 times... Huh. Who knew?

Well...since I put a number in the previous sentence, it reminded me that I have yet to write a number post. I thought maybe I had (just checked my list of posts and drafts, and nope, no numbers...) but since I haven't, now seems like just as good a time as any to do so. So!

I have learned that I am odd with numbers. (ha ha... sorry, excuse the lame pun...) It is one of those things that I never really thought about, because to me it is so normal; I've been this way as long as I could remember. It wasn't until I started asking other people about their numbers that I realized that how I interact with mine is not the norm.

All my numbers have a color feel in my head. I don't physically see the colors, but I do know what color they are, and I realized that I feel pretty strongly about it once I started asking people what color their numbers were. Usually the conversations went something like this...

Me: "Question! What color is seven?"

Random person I had snagged for my poll: "What? Seven is a number..."

Me :"*sigh* I realize that... But if it had a color, what color would it be?"

Random person: "Um....blue?"

Me: "Blue?? Really? How come?"

Random person: "I don't know...it's the first thing I thought of...?"

Me: "But does it feel that way to you, like it's always blue, or did you just pick a color?"

Random person: "I just picked a color...how does something feel blue...?"

Me: It just does... I don't know how to explain it.... Never mind. Thanks."

The first time someone said blue though, I was almost shocked. My thoughts were along the lines of "What? Blue?! Sevens are yellow. Yellow! Blue.... *scoff*...." The idea of a blue seven seemed weird,(which I do realize is highly ironic.) and it almost annoyed me.

Once I realized that I felt so strongly about it, I began to wonder if all my numbers had colors. Again, it's not a physical thing, and I had never written it down, so I wasn't sure if all of them did or not. But I obviously know what colors they aren't, so I figured I would start with the strongest feeling ones in my head, and go from there. This is what I got.

7's are yellow

3's are green

2's are bright primary red

4's are orangy-yellow

6's are reddish brown

9's are brown

5's are primary blue

1's are black

0's are white or nothing

8's are maroonish purple

The colors are not related to how my favorite numbers correspond with my favorite colors; 7 was at the top of the list because it is the strongest feeling number in my head, but my favorite color is purple, not yellow. And I do not like 8's, so if it was going off of favorites, it would definitely not be the color it is.

I hate 2's with a passion, and 5's are almost just as bad. I am not sure why I hate 2's so much, but I don't like 5's because they are the upside down image of 2's. I did not like turning 25 for that reason; a whole year of 2's and 5's... Thankfully I didn't have to write it much.

I also like certain numbers with other numbers, even though the number that they make up might be made of two numbers that I don't like. I think 64 is a beautiful number, and the reason I like it is because 6 is a strong number in a gentle/sensitive/masculine sort of way, and 4 has the same gentleness and caring strength. Both numbers feel masculine here, except that 4 is more bold about its strength, thus it compliments 6 well. They work very well as a team. If 4 is leading the number, 46, it still has mostly the same feel, but it feels like it would speak out more in a crowd, since 4 adds that bolder quality to it, whereas 64 has more the quiet, listening, 'I'm right here for you" type of support. And since 6 is a reddish brown, and 4 is a yellow/orange color, they compliment each other in that way as well. 9's feel similar to 6's, and they're the reverse upside down of each other too... But unlike 5's and 2's, I like them. (Honestly, I really don't know what it is about 5's and 2's…maybe it's just the lines.) Although 9's feel slightly more grounded than 6's, so they are brown, as opposed to the reddish brown. 96 is also a great number.

Some numbers can change feel; 4 can sometimes be female, and when it is the color feels a much brighter yellow and loses the orange hue. And depending on which number leads, and how strong it is, it can change the feel of a combined number. 42 is a good number, even though I hate 2's, because the 4 in it is female, and bright enough to compensate for the 2, changing the entire feel of it. If a 4 is in front of it, the 2 loses some of it's overbearing feel, and then it makes a good support/companion number. Also, since 2's feel a bright red, when you put those two together, the bright yellow of the 4 is strong enough to dim out some of the harshness of the 2's red. Weirdly enough, 100 and 10 feel like all white numbers, but if you switch it around and make it 01, the 0 and the 1 both keep their original colors of white and black.

This is just a small sampling of my brain-workings. I didn't really think it was that different, until I started asking people and finding out that their numbers are colorless. I can't imagine my numbers without color, the same way I can't imagine not dreaming at night; it's just the way it is for me. (It makes me feel sad inside when people tell me they either don't or can't remember their dreams...) But dreams are a whole 'nother subject...we'll get there one day.

Anyways...those are some of my number thoughts...would love to hear some of yours

~Ro

If a title is needed, then the message has been missed...

And all the clues are here, floating on the wind

They weave and break, but you must be willing to hear

Are you listening to the music…?

Can you feel its swells, won't you ride with it?

It is calling,

it wants to take you along,

are you listening?

For it sings all the questions that don't have answers,

and all the answers that have yet to be found,

heartache and break, and shards restored

motes of sunshine, a mother's hugs,

rain and storms

won't you join the flow?

It is calling, it wants you to be a part,

but are you listening?

Listen, listen,

listen to her calls

Listen, listen, to the waves of sound

intricate melodies weaving light

Listen with your heart,

listen with your soul

The part of you that needs no words,

the part that everyone has

and most have forgotten.

Or dulled

or ignored

or have become deaf to.

But she is still there,

the music is always there

Singing through the white noise,

calling through the backgrounds.

It is bigger than you

and bigger than me,

but we are meant to be a part

and add our songs, small through they are.

For the layers of harmony shall build, and have been building,

through time and space and

life and pain,

and they will keep building 'til the end.

For this is how it is meant to be.

Come, please,

come and sing with us,

Sing and join,

and build upon this song

Won't you listen to this music?

Four am to five eleven

Four am, and she can not sleep

laying in the dark of a room alone.

And that's ok, dawn will still come,

you can just lie here, and see your stars.

These nights will pass, it isn't final

just wait it out on the days when it's hard.

This night will pass, I promise you girl,

so keep your head up

and sing to the stars.

Four thirty am and she utters a prayer

crying not with eyes but depth from her heart.

And that's ok, it is still heard,

put back on your locket, and know that you're held.

These nights will pass, there's still so much hope

just wait on the dawn and the rise of the sun

This night will pass, I promise you girl,

you just keep fighting,

sing back to the stars.

For yes, this lot you were given is hard,

harder than many or most might see

and yes you are hurting, here in your dark

but seeds that are planted can grow into trees

So stand and sing, your song should be sung

and kneel when you can't reach your feet,

crawl when you've lost the strength for all else

and on those days of collapse,

and in death

and defeat...

Simply lay here girl, and know that you're held

and let yourself be carried,

This night will pass, I promise you girl,

I've written it in the stars.

…so go get your locket, and put it back on

remember what's inside,

you're not as lost as you think you are,

the dawn is coming

wait for its rise.

SeaWorld, Day One

So I finally got my pictures organized from my SeaWorld birthday trip. I took a lot of pictures, so I am going to put them out in clumps. So here's the first set.

The Dashboard pets... The dog is Reba's, but I can't remember it's name. The seal is Harvey, and he is Snow's pet, and the little moose is named Marty. He's the pet-in-training for Petree, the van. He kept jumping off the dashboard too, and getting lost on the floor of the van. That's part of why he's still an "in-training"...

Looking back from the front seat. I am not sure what kind of face Alice is making, and the boys are just a lump of blankets...and I think there's a hand in there somewhere.

Me, looking happy in my favorite t-shirt.

This was the first view we had of the water, in San Diego. It wasn't the open ocean, but it was still salt water, so it counts. On trips to the ocean, I always watch for that moment when you top the last hill, and see the ocean spread out before you. But this trip was different; it didn't happen like that. I guess we took a different route... We didn't see the water in the bay until we were already in the city.

Pulling into the parking lot

Welcome to Sea World! I liked this sign. It seemed very happy, and I thought the black and white border is cool.

Jeru and I, waiting for the BlueHorizons show to start

The BlueHorizons stage. We got there just in time for the show to start, so we were waaaaaay up in the stands. On our second day at the park we actually went back and saw this show again, sitting in the splash zone. I'm glad we went twice, because it was different the second time. This first time they had pilot whales performing in the show. I love pilot whales! I think they might be my favorite whale...it's a toss-up between them and belugas... I also loved all the little bubble-thingies decorating the tops of the waves

The outside penguins. They smelled really strongly of fish.

All of the penguins had their own individual bands on their wings. I thought it was cute. It was fun to watch them swim as well. They floated a lot higher in the water than I would've thought...

This penguin was resting in the shade of the bush. It reminded me of a dog, just chillin under a bush.

I thought this was a really cool sign. I liked it... "highly specialized birds, hostile but beautiful environment."

Incubator boxes used to bring back penguin eggs.

A very clever tactic for egg-checking.

Inside the penguin house. It was really cold, and fishy, and very cool. Penguins are really neat birds.

I took this picture because I didn't know the answer to it, and I'm always interested in a fact I don't know. Alcids...who knew?

Chips and Tumblers

Howdy all! It's obviously been a long time. A looooong time... *shrug* I have a crazy life at times, what can I say?

Anyways...now that I'm back, I figured I would ease my way back into the blogging waters with a picture. It's a starling. When I'm on my half hour break at work, I sit in my car, listen to music and read, and feed the birds. I keep a bag of tortilla chips in my car, and I crumble them up and toss them out my open window, and then wait. The chip-loving crowd is normally composed of grackles and those little sparrow-type birds, (I am not sure if that's what they actually are...) but lately there has been this really pretty one that has joined in. I had been calling it a tumbler, because it has a really short tail for a bird (it looked like it could tumble over midair if it wanted), but when I described it to my Mama she said that it was a starling. I had never known what a starling looked like before, but I had read about them in books, and they always sounded like a pretty bird. And now I've seen one. They are beautiful birds! So here's a picture for you... The first one is a male grackle, the second is the starling.

~Ro

Artwork...

This is for everyone who has been pushing for me to post about my artwork... (and to those same people, thank you for the pushes...I appreciate them.) Some of them still don't have names, so I labeled them how they feel. The colors look more vivid in real life, but I am super grateful to even have pictures of them, so it's ok. You get the general feel for them... So here ya go...

All the min-escapes

Sea Cove

E41...the favored goose in the E-flock.

Flower Hill

The first... Forgotten Lake

Cave. This one's actually reversible...painted it purposely on square canvas for that reason. I actually prefer it upside down.

Second Fall. One of my favorites.

Heartsongs...and sister... If it needed a title, think I would call this one Gift

Little Brother...another favorite

Wind-flower

Kass' Wood

Cliffs

Dragon Mountains

Starhill. This was one of the first set; it's really special to my heart. Thought it was for me...turns out it was meant for someone else.

This one is mine... Ice dream