Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I found this one in one of my writing folders on my computer... Doesn't have a title or anything yet...

Save me, set me free.
There’s a fire that burns inside, set it free,
release, save me, set me free.

Words aren’t enough, I need to scream it out,
pleading, screaming, set me free

Cut the binds that hold me, that keep me silent, keep

me hiding, keep me still
please, please set me free, loose me to be the one I

want to be…
the one I was made to be….

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Brain thoughts

I wrote this awhile ago; don't know if it's finished yet...
It was about how I think. Not sure what else to say...

Need to flow, like a river running a groove through my brain matter. Warm or clear, circuits of synapses, smoothing a trench through the softness.
It leaves behind traces, wetness of me, left on the walls of soft grayness.
And in each droplet, a story or feeling or chemical reaction that happened, in a little wet swatch that will over time dry out and then only leave an imprint on the masses of masses of input that has already been left on the sides and walls of the stream.

trains of information, strung along on invisible connections, found by tracing back only feeling. A balance of thought and nothingness- located in the lower back quadrant, or the middle and right, or the upper and back right. Or the non-spot, blank, in the left and upper/middle. Sometimes it is specific, others it is just trusting the synapses, and a special way of waiting, trusting in the dredging up of old things. I won’t forget.
tastes that are smells, colors that have feeling, touch that i haven’t experienced, but is still linked. All are real to me, and all are stored. Linking dreams, whole worlds, are trapped in my head, written in chemical.

Monday, August 16, 2010


And when the world shatters
she wraps herself in a song,
cocooned in the music and
held in its’ anchor.

And when the shards cut deep
she rocks in its’ rhythms,
swelled on waves
of heartbeats and sound

This pain might be too big for her, but truth-melodies
will hold her heart together once more

And when she loses who she is
the tones will remind her
and keep her whole,
cherishing her in their embrace.

And when the numbness comes
it will be held at bay,
unable to penetrate
this wall of sound;

Such pain that feels too big for her, her heart
is splintered, broken.

So when the world shatters
and the shards cut deep;
when she loses herself and the numbness comes,

When this pain is too big…

She wraps herself in a song.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Smallest post ever...

Hey! I have six followers now! *grin* I feel so accomplished…


The Tattoo Post...finally!

So here is the long-awaited Tattoo Post! (*grin* I don’t know if it’s actually long awaited by my four faithful followers, but I have definitely been waiting to post it, which totally counts.) And I am so excited that I really don’t know where to begin, which I find amusing. So! I’ll start at the beginning…

Monday morning, went to work…did produce, blah blah.
I got off early, drove to Tempe to Club Tattoo, and got lost on the way. (I really don’t like trying to read directions, even if they’re really simple, and still drive. I’m a new driver…doesn’t feel comfortable yet. Maybe I should get one of those talking GPS’s.) But, I told myself not to be discouraged, and just called the tattoo parlor to get better directions. It turned out that I was just on the wrong side of Rural and University, so after taking a little scenic side route of some random part of ASU’s campus, I managed to turn myself around and get to where I was supposed to be. So I went in, and talked to Trini, who would be doing my tattoo, and made an appointment for seven thirty. Left, went to counseling, (which is Not To Be Blogged About, so we’re moving on,) and then hung around the house til the rest of my finishing school roomies got home. We all drove down in Lady Alpha’s car, (which was a really good thing, because I was excited enough that if I had driven we probably all would’ve ended up lost again or maimed), and got there with plenty of time to spare. Jacklyn B had brought her video camera, so she was our official videographer, and Isabelle was my note-taker. I was a little nervous still, but mostly excited, since I have wanted a tattoo since I was in seventh grade or so. And then, finally Trini came out, and called me back. Isabelle went with me at first, for the all important note taking, but later she left and they all took turns popping their heads in. (You could only take one person with you) It actually turned out that I could do my own mental note taking… She did a great job taking notes, but since it wasn’t nearly as painful as I was expecting, I could just focus on what the pain felt like, and memorize it in my own head, instead of having to just tell her the descriptions while I breathed through the pain. So, if you are wondering what getting a tattoo feels like and are getting a seal-shaped tattoo, on your left inner and back ankle, done in three different shades of black and grey with a little white, this is exactly how it feels. *grin*

It didn’t hurt nearly as much as I was expecting it to. I wonder if this confirms that I have a high pain tolerance…? I guess I was expecting something really bad, a raw, sliced open feeling, or where the pain is so deep that it starts to roil in your stomach and you feel nauseous and break out in a thin sweat. Amputation-level pain. (which, I know, is waaay over the top… but I had nothing to compare it to, and that is where my head went.) But it wasn’t nearly that bad.
When he started, I listened intently to what it felt like, and was surprised. He did the outline first, and it was like a pinching/deep stinging feeling; kind of like being stung by a bee, and kind of like the way stinging nettle feels when you get it on your skin. In fact, I think stinging nettle is the closest that I would describe it as. I realize that if you’ve never experienced stinging nettle then you won’t know what I’m talking about…so here’s the best I can describe it…

Stinging nettle is a plant, related to poison ivy and poison oak. When you brush up against the leaves it immediately starts to itch/burn on the top layer of skin. Then it gets deeper, and at a much faster rate if you scratch it. The deeper pain feels like a burning/stinging feeling that reaches the second layer of skin in a sharp stabbing way. Then a rash of tiny little bumps covers the area, which seem to add to the sting.
Without the little bumps, this is what it felt like, localized on the areas he was going over with the pen. It hurt more the closer he got to my actual ankle bone, but even that wasn’t too bad; I didn’t have to focus my breathing during any of this, which I was totally expecting to have to do. Isabelle said that when he first touched the pen/needle to my skin my breathing deepened, but it was because I was listening to the pain level intently, not because I was having to regulate it. The other thing that it reminded me of was when you have a small cut, and accidentally get lemon juice in it…that sharp stinging feeling. The shading hurt just a little more than the outlining, because he rolled/filled in a circular motion, going over the skin again and again to get the different greys.
It took a lot less time than I was expecting too; I popped out of there in about twenty-thirty minutes. He put a bandage on it with some cream, and told me to stay out of the pool for two weeks. (Two weeks! I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. I swim almost every day, sometimes twice or three times…) Then he told me what kind of lotion to buy, I picked out my Club Tattoo bumper stickers (which have somehow disappeared…I think maybe I left them in Lady Alpha’s car..? I don’t know…) and pow! We left. Afterwards it felt a little sore, a tender/throbbing feeling, like when you get a second-degree burn, but that faded after a day or so. The itching set in after about three days, once the scab formed and started to flake off, and that was honestly the hardest part. But I didn’t scratch, and now (*grin* more than two weeks later…sorry…I really am trying to post more frequently…) she’s all healed. It’s all my skin now… I really love her, and as soon as I get a different picture I will post that; the first one she looks a little pink, and had some blood spots… So that’s the story… til later!