Can’t go back

You saw her

somehow,

and I’m not sure why.

A slip of a pronoun

and she’s brought to the front

aware and open,

there’s no hiding it now.

This stomach clenching love disarms me

throws me off guard,

frightens.

You make me want to rock

to cry,

scream,

throw up

I don’t know how to handle you here.

How did you see her

why did you ask?

This room scares me

with it’s big open spaces and grey corners,

how did you get in here?

Little s, big S,

there’s so much more.

These secrets are hers, she’ll tell if she wants,

but right now I am unsure.

How did you know to ask

how could you get past these defenses?

This stomach clenching love scares me

throws me off balance,

topples.

These queries send me running

to a safety,

a hiding place,

a song.

I need its comfort to handle you here.

How did you see her

why did you ask?

This room is so big

with its wide open spaces,

how?

how?

how did you get in here??

If a title is needed, then the message has been missed...

And all the clues are here, floating on the wind

They weave and break, but you must be willing to hear

Are you listening to the music…?

Can you feel its swells, won't you ride with it?

It is calling,

it wants to take you along,

are you listening?

For it sings all the questions that don't have answers,

and all the answers that have yet to be found,

heartache and break, and shards restored

motes of sunshine, a mother's hugs,

rain and storms

won't you join the flow?

It is calling, it wants you to be a part,

but are you listening?

Listen, listen,

listen to her calls

Listen, listen, to the waves of sound

intricate melodies weaving light

Listen with your heart,

listen with your soul

The part of you that needs no words,

the part that everyone has

and most have forgotten.

Or dulled

or ignored

or have become deaf to.

But she is still there,

the music is always there

Singing through the white noise,

calling through the backgrounds.

It is bigger than you

and bigger than me,

but we are meant to be a part

and add our songs, small through they are.

For the layers of harmony shall build, and have been building,

through time and space and

life and pain,

and they will keep building 'til the end.

For this is how it is meant to be.

Come, please,

come and sing with us,

Sing and join,

and build upon this song

Won't you listen to this music?

Four am to five eleven

Four am, and she can not sleep

laying in the dark of a room alone.

And that's ok, dawn will still come,

you can just lie here, and see your stars.

These nights will pass, it isn't final

just wait it out on the days when it's hard.

This night will pass, I promise you girl,

so keep your head up

and sing to the stars.

Four thirty am and she utters a prayer

crying not with eyes but depth from her heart.

And that's ok, it is still heard,

put back on your locket, and know that you're held.

These nights will pass, there's still so much hope

just wait on the dawn and the rise of the sun

This night will pass, I promise you girl,

you just keep fighting,

sing back to the stars.

For yes, this lot you were given is hard,

harder than many or most might see

and yes you are hurting, here in your dark

but seeds that are planted can grow into trees

So stand and sing, your song should be sung

and kneel when you can't reach your feet,

crawl when you've lost the strength for all else

and on those days of collapse,

and in death

and defeat...

Simply lay here girl, and know that you're held

and let yourself be carried,

This night will pass, I promise you girl,

I've written it in the stars.

…so go get your locket, and put it back on

remember what's inside,

you're not as lost as you think you are,

the dawn is coming

wait for its rise.

December 5th, 12:57

What is it about this time of night

12:32, that wakes me up and pulls at my heart?

Closet, and order, and…someone there,

but it's gone when I reach for it,

grasping at fog

The words fade quickly, ghosts to describe

and the adrenaline fades fast, leaving only clear head

multiple or not, at this time of night

I do not own my head,

I can not hold my thoughts.

When words fail...

And when words fail she writes in riddles
paints pictures with light and feels in color
Who says a heart must speak to be heard?

big ocean, little seal…

But if you don’t understand that is ok too
I have to walk this part of the path alone,
And when words come you might hear them, if you listen.

ground and center, sketch the lines…

And when she’s given seedlings she’ll guard them fiercely
cherish the dirt and sing down the rain,
If you can find True North you’ll never be lost.

keep running, keep playing, hold to the good…

But if this takes an entire vapor can it be ok?
because I am stronger than I know
And when it blooms you will see me, if you look.

listen to the sky, sing back…

And when it hurts she’ll just keep going
comforted by wind and crying out ink
Who says a soul must have windows to be seen?

big ocean, little seal…

But there are lines to be drawn, from the inside out
I must firm them out of the soil that was granted
And when they’re found you can share the growing, if you’re willing.


And so when words fail she writes in riddles
paints pictures with light and feels in color
Who says a heart must speak to be heard?
And can you hear the pattern…?

Phoenix Rising

Bird behind the glass, longing for the sky
bound by no chains, but she cannot move,
for it is love that compels her to stay her wings,
and rest where she feels trapped

a deep rage that masks an even deeper hurt,
unfairness burns in a wish to take it out on those for whom it is not meant
but she stills her claws, for this is what He asked of her,
and it is love and faith that compels her

stay, stay, still your wings
sometimes the path to the sky must bring you groundward first
stay, stay, and still your heart,
for it is love that calls
and love holding you here.

I found this one in one of my writing folders on my computer... Doesn't have a title or anything yet...


Save me, set me free.
There’s a fire that burns inside, set it free,
release, save me, set me free.

Words aren’t enough, I need to scream it out,
pleading, screaming, set me free

Cut the binds that hold me, that keep me silent, keep
me hiding, keep me still
please, please set me free, loose me to be the one I
want to be…
the one I was made to be….

Brain thoughts

I wrote this awhile ago; don't know if it's finished yet...

It was about how I think. Not sure what else to say...

~Ro

-o-


Need to flow, like a river running a groove through my brain matter. Warm or clear, circuits of synapses, smoothing a trench through the softness.
It leaves behind traces, wetness of me, left on the walls of soft grayness.
And in each droplet, a story or feeling or chemical reaction that happened, in a little wet swatch that will over time dry out and then only leave an imprint on the masses of masses of input that has already been left on the sides and walls of the stream.

trains of information, strung along on invisible connections, found by tracing back only feeling. A balance of thought and nothingness- located in the lower back quadrant, or the middle and right, or the upper and back right. Or the non-spot, blank, in the left and upper/middle. Sometimes it is specific, others it is just trusting the synapses, and a special way of waiting, trusting in the dredging up of old things. I won’t forget.
tastes that are smells, colors that have feeling, touch that i haven’t experienced, but is still linked. All are real to me, and all are stored. Linking dreams, whole worlds, are trapped in my head, written in chemical.

8~7~10

And when the world shatters
she wraps herself in a song,
cocooned in the music and
held in its’ anchor.

And when the shards cut deep
she rocks in its’ rhythms,
swelled on waves
of heartbeats and sound

This pain might be too big for her, but truth-melodies
will hold her heart together once more

And when she loses who she is
the tones will remind her
and keep her whole,
cherishing her in their embrace.

And when the numbness comes
it will be held at bay,
unable to penetrate
this wall of sound;

Such pain that feels too big for her, her heart
is splintered, broken.

So when the world shatters
and the shards cut deep;
when she loses herself and the numbness comes,

When this pain is too big…

She wraps herself in a song.

Ice

I actually wrote this a while ago, but I wanted to post something else, and the entry that I am working on still isn't finished. So, here it is... I am not sure if it's finished, and I don't know what it's called yet... (and this isn't exactly how it looks either, but since I copy and pasted it, the font doesn't carry over, and outside of re-typing it, I can't figure out how to get it back to it's original font... So, the font doesn't match the words quite; just look past that...)

~

I dream of ice; and of cold waters that reflect the blue skies.
Of a land where ice floes dominate the seascape
and the sky is open and the sun warm and the wind cold.
Of deep, deep water, that is mirror bright on top
but dark, green-blue curtains underneath, clouded with glacial runoff

I dream of spots, and strong sharp teeth; of hunting through the ice ranges
splicing through the water, and of penguins.
Of a thick warm layer of blubber, and strong flippers,
and dark blue depths beneath me

Shadows dream there too,
moving with spots of white, and sharper teeth as well
and dark songs pinging off the ice bubbles,
but I dream it anyways, for the swift and cunning live long.

I dream of a rocking cradle of ice to nap on
and body warmth melting small pools beneath; of lapping waves.
Of pale sun, faded sky, and pitch black with stars and color dance above

The ice is calling, and I want to answer.
I dream of ice…

I dream of ice…

I dream of…

Clipped wings

Just a few cuts, but in the right places,
and the sky can fall from your grasp.
The breeze is still there, and the blue still beckons
but flight without lift is futile

so on the ground you’ll stay.

I didn’t want to lose the sky,
for it is where I belong.
and those with wings were meant to soar
the wind still calls my name

not to say that the ground is bad
for the basics of life are there
but the sky calls my name while I’m here on the dirt,
and I yearn to answer her call

sweet blue, oh sweet blue, I hear your song
I see you there, waiting.
And then I look down, to these mangled, cut wings,
and I cannot meet you yet in your depths.

but on the ground time will pass

And feathers will grow, and primaries heal,
down can be restored.
Time is not the great healer, but the sun is,
so on the ground I shall stay in the light.

Until the day, some day soon
the cuts will fade to mere scars.
And glossy feathers will be strong again
and my wings will once again be mine

And until that day,
until that day,
until that day
the sky will call…

those with wings were meant to soar