Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
What is it about this time of night
12:32, that wakes me up and pulls at my heart?
Closet, and order, and…someone there,
but it's gone when I reach for it,
grasping at fog
The words fade quickly, ghosts to describe
and the adrenaline fades fast, leaving only clear head
multiple or not, at this time of night
I do not own my head,
I can not hold my thoughts.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
paints pictures with light and feels in color
Who says a heart must speak to be heard?
big ocean, little seal…
But if you don’t understand that is ok too
I have to walk this part of the path alone,
And when words come you might hear them, if you listen.
ground and center, sketch the lines…
And when she’s given seedlings she’ll guard them fiercely
cherish the dirt and sing down the rain,
If you can find True North you’ll never be lost.
keep running, keep playing, hold to the good…
But if this takes an entire vapor can it be ok?
because I am stronger than I know
And when it blooms you will see me, if you look.
listen to the sky, sing back…
And when it hurts she’ll just keep going
comforted by wind and crying out ink
Who says a soul must have windows to be seen?
big ocean, little seal…
But there are lines to be drawn, from the inside out
I must firm them out of the soil that was granted
And when they’re found you can share the growing, if you’re willing.
And so when words fail she writes in riddles
paints pictures with light and feels in color
Who says a heart must speak to be heard?
And can you hear the pattern…?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
bound by no chains, but she cannot move,
for it is love that compels her to stay her wings,
and rest where she feels trapped
a deep rage that masks an even deeper hurt,
unfairness burns in a wish to take it out on those for whom it is not meant
but she stills her claws, for this is what He asked of her,
and it is love and faith that compels her
stay, stay, still your wings
sometimes the path to the sky must bring you groundward first
stay, stay, and still your heart,
for it is love that calls
and love holding you here.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Save me, set me free.
There’s a fire that burns inside, set it free,
release, save me, set me free.
Words aren’t enough, I need to scream it out,
pleading, screaming, set me free
Cut the binds that hold me, that keep me silent, keep
me hiding, keep me still
please, please set me free, loose me to be the one I
want to be…
the one I was made to be….
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Need to flow, like a river running a groove through my brain matter. Warm or clear, circuits of synapses, smoothing a trench through the softness.
It leaves behind traces, wetness of me, left on the walls of soft grayness.
And in each droplet, a story or feeling or chemical reaction that happened, in a little wet swatch that will over time dry out and then only leave an imprint on the masses of masses of input that has already been left on the sides and walls of the stream.
trains of information, strung along on invisible connections, found by tracing back only feeling. A balance of thought and nothingness- located in the lower back quadrant, or the middle and right, or the upper and back right. Or the non-spot, blank, in the left and upper/middle. Sometimes it is specific, others it is just trusting the synapses, and a special way of waiting, trusting in the dredging up of old things. I won’t forget.
tastes that are smells, colors that have feeling, touch that i haven’t experienced, but is still linked. All are real to me, and all are stored. Linking dreams, whole worlds, are trapped in my head, written in chemical.
Monday, August 16, 2010
And when the world shatters
she wraps herself in a song,
cocooned in the music and
held in its’ anchor.
And when the shards cut deep
she rocks in its’ rhythms,
swelled on waves
of heartbeats and sound
This pain might be too big for her, but truth-melodies
will hold her heart together once more
And when she loses who she is
the tones will remind her
and keep her whole,
cherishing her in their embrace.
And when the numbness comes
it will be held at bay,
unable to penetrate
this wall of sound;
Such pain that feels too big for her, her heart
is splintered, broken.
So when the world shatters
and the shards cut deep;
when she loses herself and the numbness comes,
When this pain is too big…
She wraps herself in a song.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday morning, went to work…did produce, blah blah.
I got off early, drove to Tempe to Club Tattoo, and got lost on the way. (I really don’t like trying to read directions, even if they’re really simple, and still drive. I’m a new driver…doesn’t feel comfortable yet. Maybe I should get one of those talking GPS’s.) But, I told myself not to be discouraged, and just called the tattoo parlor to get better directions. It turned out that I was just on the wrong side of Rural and University, so after taking a little scenic side route of some random part of ASU’s campus, I managed to turn myself around and get to where I was supposed to be. So I went in, and talked to Trini, who would be doing my tattoo, and made an appointment for seven thirty. Left, went to counseling, (which is Not To Be Blogged About, so we’re moving on,) and then hung around the house til the rest of my finishing school roomies got home. We all drove down in Lady Alpha’s car, (which was a really good thing, because I was excited enough that if I had driven we probably all would’ve ended up lost again or maimed), and got there with plenty of time to spare. Jacklyn B had brought her video camera, so she was our official videographer, and Isabelle was my note-taker. I was a little nervous still, but mostly excited, since I have wanted a tattoo since I was in seventh grade or so. And then, finally Trini came out, and called me back. Isabelle went with me at first, for the all important note taking, but later she left and they all took turns popping their heads in. (You could only take one person with you) It actually turned out that I could do my own mental note taking… She did a great job taking notes, but since it wasn’t nearly as painful as I was expecting, I could just focus on what the pain felt like, and memorize it in my own head, instead of having to just tell her the descriptions while I breathed through the pain. So, if you are wondering what getting a tattoo feels like and are getting a seal-shaped tattoo, on your left inner and back ankle, done in three different shades of black and grey with a little white, this is exactly how it feels. *grin*
It didn’t hurt nearly as much as I was expecting it to. I wonder if this confirms that I have a high pain tolerance…? I guess I was expecting something really bad, a raw, sliced open feeling, or where the pain is so deep that it starts to roil in your stomach and you feel nauseous and break out in a thin sweat. Amputation-level pain. (which, I know, is waaay over the top… but I had nothing to compare it to, and that is where my head went.) But it wasn’t nearly that bad.
When he started, I listened intently to what it felt like, and was surprised. He did the outline first, and it was like a pinching/deep stinging feeling; kind of like being stung by a bee, and kind of like the way stinging nettle feels when you get it on your skin. In fact, I think stinging nettle is the closest that I would describe it as. I realize that if you’ve never experienced stinging nettle then you won’t know what I’m talking about…so here’s the best I can describe it…
Stinging nettle is a plant, related to poison ivy and poison oak. When you brush up against the leaves it immediately starts to itch/burn on the top layer of skin. Then it gets deeper, and at a much faster rate if you scratch it. The deeper pain feels like a burning/stinging feeling that reaches the second layer of skin in a sharp stabbing way. Then a rash of tiny little bumps covers the area, which seem to add to the sting.
Without the little bumps, this is what it felt like, localized on the areas he was going over with the pen. It hurt more the closer he got to my actual ankle bone, but even that wasn’t too bad; I didn’t have to focus my breathing during any of this, which I was totally expecting to have to do. Isabelle said that when he first touched the pen/needle to my skin my breathing deepened, but it was because I was listening to the pain level intently, not because I was having to regulate it. The other thing that it reminded me of was when you have a small cut, and accidentally get lemon juice in it…that sharp stinging feeling. The shading hurt just a little more than the outlining, because he rolled/filled in a circular motion, going over the skin again and again to get the different greys.
It took a lot less time than I was expecting too; I popped out of there in about twenty-thirty minutes. He put a bandage on it with some cream, and told me to stay out of the pool for two weeks. (Two weeks! I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. I swim almost every day, sometimes twice or three times…) Then he told me what kind of lotion to buy, I picked out my Club Tattoo bumper stickers (which have somehow disappeared…I think maybe I left them in Lady Alpha’s car..? I don’t know…) and pow! We left. Afterwards it felt a little sore, a tender/throbbing feeling, like when you get a second-degree burn, but that faded after a day or so. The itching set in after about three days, once the scab formed and started to flake off, and that was honestly the hardest part. But I didn’t scratch, and now (*grin* more than two weeks later…sorry…I really am trying to post more frequently…) she’s all healed. It’s all my skin now… I really love her, and as soon as I get a different picture I will post that; the first one she looks a little pink, and had some blood spots… So that’s the story… til later!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
That seems to be all I’ve got for now, and I have a good book and some nachos waiting for me, so toodles. Until my next post! (which, hopefully, will be sooner, rather than later… I’m trying to be more consistent…)
Monday, July 12, 2010
I dream of ice; and of cold waters that reflect the blue skies.
Of a land where ice floes dominate the seascape
and the sky is open and the sun warm and the wind cold.
Of deep, deep water, that is mirror bright on top
but dark, green-blue curtains underneath, clouded with glacial runoff
I dream of spots, and strong sharp teeth; of hunting through the ice ranges
splicing through the water, and of penguins.
Of a thick warm layer of blubber, and strong flippers,
and dark blue depths beneath me
Shadows dream there too,
moving with spots of white, and sharper teeth as well
and dark songs pinging off the ice bubbles,
but I dream it anyways, for the swift and cunning live long.
I dream of a rocking cradle of ice to nap on
and body warmth melting small pools beneath; of lapping waves.
Of pale sun, faded sky, and pitch black with stars and color dance above
The ice is calling, and I want to answer.
I dream of ice…
Monday, June 21, 2010
Just a few cuts, but in the right places,
and the sky can fall from your grasp.
The breeze is still there, and the blue still beckons
but flight without lift is futile
so on the ground you’ll stay.
I didn’t want to lose the sky,
for it is where I belong.
and those with wings were meant to soar
the wind still calls my name
not to say that the ground is bad
for the basics of life are there
but the sky calls my name while I’m here on the dirt,
and I yearn to answer her call
sweet blue, oh sweet blue, I hear your song
I see you there, waiting.
And then I look down, to these mangled, cut wings,
and I cannot meet you yet in your depths.
but on the ground time will pass
And feathers will grow, and primaries heal,
down can be restored.
Time is not the great healer, but the sun is,
so on the ground I shall stay in the light.
Until the day, some day soon
the cuts will fade to mere scars.
And glossy feathers will be strong again
and my wings will once again be mine
And until that day,
until that day,
until that day
the sky will call…
those with wings were meant to soar
Monday, June 14, 2010
There are two different ways to learn juggling; one is by seeing a pattern, and then practicing it, and the other is by calculating a pattern and then recording it. This last one is called a notation system. Notation systems are used when a juggling pattern is really complex that the tricks have to be recorded on paper. There are two ways to do this. First one is called siteswap, which uses numbers to represent different patterns, and the other is called a diagram-based notation, which uses drawn images. There is also a newer system called beatmap, which uses a little computer drawn stick person juggling balls, and is used for people who learn tricks visually.
Siteswap began in the 1980’s, and is simply a mathematical way to write a juggling pattern. A number is used for each throw. If the pattern is indicated by a single number, then that is the simple way of juggling that number of balls. So a 3 would mean a 3-ball cascade. The number also represents the height and speed of the throw; so a 3 also signifies a simple crossing throw. A 5 represents a higher crossing cascade throw. Numbers also tell the type of throw…odd numbers mean a cascade that is a cross throw from one hand to the other, and evens mean a fountain throw that stays in the same hand. A 1 stands for a horizontal throw or pass from one hand to the other. 0 means an empty hand, such as in the 40 pattern, where two balls juggle in one hand while the other is empty. A 2 represents a hold or gap, where the ball is not being thrown or caught. So a 42 would mean two balls are in one hand, while the hold is in the other.
0: empty hand
1: pass between hands
2: hold or gap
3: balls crossing or cascading
4: two balls juggled in one hand
5: high throw
Crazy, huh? It gets better…
Patterns have rhythms, just like music. So instead of writing it over and over again, (Example, 5151515151) you would just write 51. Notations will only work if the sum of all the numbers can be reduced to the amount of balls that are being thrown. So 51 would have to be a 3 ball pattern, because 5+1=6/2=3 (balls) 52 would not be a valid siteswap because 5+2=7/2=3.5 (balls) Obviously you can’t juggle half a ball….
I figure that’s probably enough info… I think it’s so interesting that something as simple as throwing balls around has that much science and math involved… That’s cool.
p.s. Info above came from the book Master Juggling, by Cassandra Beckerman.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Welcome to my blog! I have decided there will be certain things that will be considered Not To Be Blogged About, such as my father and other painful topics, but I am ok with that. Besides, there are plenty of topics and other sides of me to write about. Out of respect for other people, I will not be putting names here, so everyone gets a nickname. =) I’m pretty sure people will be able to figure them out, but if it takes awhile, that’s cool too. Guessing just adds to the fun of things. Well, I think that’s good for a first blog entry… Until next time, toodles.