Can’t go back

You saw her

somehow,

and I’m not sure why.

A slip of a pronoun

and she’s brought to the front

aware and open,

there’s no hiding it now.

This stomach clenching love disarms me

throws me off guard,

frightens.

You make me want to rock

to cry,

scream,

throw up

I don’t know how to handle you here.

How did you see her

why did you ask?

This room scares me

with it’s big open spaces and grey corners,

how did you get in here?

Little s, big S,

there’s so much more.

These secrets are hers, she’ll tell if she wants,

but right now I am unsure.

How did you know to ask

how could you get past these defenses?

This stomach clenching love scares me

throws me off balance,

topples.

These queries send me running

to a safety,

a hiding place,

a song.

I need its comfort to handle you here.

How did you see her

why did you ask?

This room is so big

with its wide open spaces,

how?

how?

how did you get in here??

My strangeness with numbers

So apparently my profile has been viewed 67 times... Huh. Who knew?

Well...since I put a number in the previous sentence, it reminded me that I have yet to write a number post. I thought maybe I had (just checked my list of posts and drafts, and nope, no numbers...) but since I haven't, now seems like just as good a time as any to do so. So!

I have learned that I am odd with numbers. (ha ha... sorry, excuse the lame pun...) It is one of those things that I never really thought about, because to me it is so normal; I've been this way as long as I could remember. It wasn't until I started asking other people about their numbers that I realized that how I interact with mine is not the norm.

All my numbers have a color feel in my head. I don't physically see the colors, but I do know what color they are, and I realized that I feel pretty strongly about it once I started asking people what color their numbers were. Usually the conversations went something like this...

Me: "Question! What color is seven?"

Random person I had snagged for my poll: "What? Seven is a number..."

Me :"*sigh* I realize that... But if it had a color, what color would it be?"

Random person: "Um....blue?"

Me: "Blue?? Really? How come?"

Random person: "I don't know...it's the first thing I thought of...?"

Me: "But does it feel that way to you, like it's always blue, or did you just pick a color?"

Random person: "I just picked a color...how does something feel blue...?"

Me: It just does... I don't know how to explain it.... Never mind. Thanks."

The first time someone said blue though, I was almost shocked. My thoughts were along the lines of "What? Blue?! Sevens are yellow. Yellow! Blue.... *scoff*...." The idea of a blue seven seemed weird,(which I do realize is highly ironic.) and it almost annoyed me.

Once I realized that I felt so strongly about it, I began to wonder if all my numbers had colors. Again, it's not a physical thing, and I had never written it down, so I wasn't sure if all of them did or not. But I obviously know what colors they aren't, so I figured I would start with the strongest feeling ones in my head, and go from there. This is what I got.

7's are yellow

3's are green

2's are bright primary red

4's are orangy-yellow

6's are reddish brown

9's are brown

5's are primary blue

1's are black

0's are white or nothing

8's are maroonish purple

The colors are not related to how my favorite numbers correspond with my favorite colors; 7 was at the top of the list because it is the strongest feeling number in my head, but my favorite color is purple, not yellow. And I do not like 8's, so if it was going off of favorites, it would definitely not be the color it is.

I hate 2's with a passion, and 5's are almost just as bad. I am not sure why I hate 2's so much, but I don't like 5's because they are the upside down image of 2's. I did not like turning 25 for that reason; a whole year of 2's and 5's... Thankfully I didn't have to write it much.

I also like certain numbers with other numbers, even though the number that they make up might be made of two numbers that I don't like. I think 64 is a beautiful number, and the reason I like it is because 6 is a strong number in a gentle/sensitive/masculine sort of way, and 4 has the same gentleness and caring strength. Both numbers feel masculine here, except that 4 is more bold about its strength, thus it compliments 6 well. They work very well as a team. If 4 is leading the number, 46, it still has mostly the same feel, but it feels like it would speak out more in a crowd, since 4 adds that bolder quality to it, whereas 64 has more the quiet, listening, 'I'm right here for you" type of support. And since 6 is a reddish brown, and 4 is a yellow/orange color, they compliment each other in that way as well. 9's feel similar to 6's, and they're the reverse upside down of each other too... But unlike 5's and 2's, I like them. (Honestly, I really don't know what it is about 5's and 2's…maybe it's just the lines.) Although 9's feel slightly more grounded than 6's, so they are brown, as opposed to the reddish brown. 96 is also a great number.

Some numbers can change feel; 4 can sometimes be female, and when it is the color feels a much brighter yellow and loses the orange hue. And depending on which number leads, and how strong it is, it can change the feel of a combined number. 42 is a good number, even though I hate 2's, because the 4 in it is female, and bright enough to compensate for the 2, changing the entire feel of it. If a 4 is in front of it, the 2 loses some of it's overbearing feel, and then it makes a good support/companion number. Also, since 2's feel a bright red, when you put those two together, the bright yellow of the 4 is strong enough to dim out some of the harshness of the 2's red. Weirdly enough, 100 and 10 feel like all white numbers, but if you switch it around and make it 01, the 0 and the 1 both keep their original colors of white and black.

This is just a small sampling of my brain-workings. I didn't really think it was that different, until I started asking people and finding out that their numbers are colorless. I can't imagine my numbers without color, the same way I can't imagine not dreaming at night; it's just the way it is for me. (It makes me feel sad inside when people tell me they either don't or can't remember their dreams...) But dreams are a whole 'nother subject...we'll get there one day.

Anyways...those are some of my number thoughts...would love to hear some of yours

~Ro

If a title is needed, then the message has been missed...

And all the clues are here, floating on the wind

They weave and break, but you must be willing to hear

Are you listening to the music…?

Can you feel its swells, won't you ride with it?

It is calling,

it wants to take you along,

are you listening?

For it sings all the questions that don't have answers,

and all the answers that have yet to be found,

heartache and break, and shards restored

motes of sunshine, a mother's hugs,

rain and storms

won't you join the flow?

It is calling, it wants you to be a part,

but are you listening?

Listen, listen,

listen to her calls

Listen, listen, to the waves of sound

intricate melodies weaving light

Listen with your heart,

listen with your soul

The part of you that needs no words,

the part that everyone has

and most have forgotten.

Or dulled

or ignored

or have become deaf to.

But she is still there,

the music is always there

Singing through the white noise,

calling through the backgrounds.

It is bigger than you

and bigger than me,

but we are meant to be a part

and add our songs, small through they are.

For the layers of harmony shall build, and have been building,

through time and space and

life and pain,

and they will keep building 'til the end.

For this is how it is meant to be.

Come, please,

come and sing with us,

Sing and join,

and build upon this song

Won't you listen to this music?

Four am to five eleven

Four am, and she can not sleep

laying in the dark of a room alone.

And that's ok, dawn will still come,

you can just lie here, and see your stars.

These nights will pass, it isn't final

just wait it out on the days when it's hard.

This night will pass, I promise you girl,

so keep your head up

and sing to the stars.

Four thirty am and she utters a prayer

crying not with eyes but depth from her heart.

And that's ok, it is still heard,

put back on your locket, and know that you're held.

These nights will pass, there's still so much hope

just wait on the dawn and the rise of the sun

This night will pass, I promise you girl,

you just keep fighting,

sing back to the stars.

For yes, this lot you were given is hard,

harder than many or most might see

and yes you are hurting, here in your dark

but seeds that are planted can grow into trees

So stand and sing, your song should be sung

and kneel when you can't reach your feet,

crawl when you've lost the strength for all else

and on those days of collapse,

and in death

and defeat...

Simply lay here girl, and know that you're held

and let yourself be carried,

This night will pass, I promise you girl,

I've written it in the stars.

…so go get your locket, and put it back on

remember what's inside,

you're not as lost as you think you are,

the dawn is coming

wait for its rise.

SeaWorld, Day One

So I finally got my pictures organized from my SeaWorld birthday trip. I took a lot of pictures, so I am going to put them out in clumps. So here's the first set.

The Dashboard pets... The dog is Reba's, but I can't remember it's name. The seal is Harvey, and he is Snow's pet, and the little moose is named Marty. He's the pet-in-training for Petree, the van. He kept jumping off the dashboard too, and getting lost on the floor of the van. That's part of why he's still an "in-training"...

Looking back from the front seat. I am not sure what kind of face Alice is making, and the boys are just a lump of blankets...and I think there's a hand in there somewhere.

Me, looking happy in my favorite t-shirt.

This was the first view we had of the water, in San Diego. It wasn't the open ocean, but it was still salt water, so it counts. On trips to the ocean, I always watch for that moment when you top the last hill, and see the ocean spread out before you. But this trip was different; it didn't happen like that. I guess we took a different route... We didn't see the water in the bay until we were already in the city.

Pulling into the parking lot

Welcome to Sea World! I liked this sign. It seemed very happy, and I thought the black and white border is cool.

Jeru and I, waiting for the BlueHorizons show to start

The BlueHorizons stage. We got there just in time for the show to start, so we were waaaaaay up in the stands. On our second day at the park we actually went back and saw this show again, sitting in the splash zone. I'm glad we went twice, because it was different the second time. This first time they had pilot whales performing in the show. I love pilot whales! I think they might be my favorite whale...it's a toss-up between them and belugas... I also loved all the little bubble-thingies decorating the tops of the waves

The outside penguins. They smelled really strongly of fish.

All of the penguins had their own individual bands on their wings. I thought it was cute. It was fun to watch them swim as well. They floated a lot higher in the water than I would've thought...

This penguin was resting in the shade of the bush. It reminded me of a dog, just chillin under a bush.

I thought this was a really cool sign. I liked it... "highly specialized birds, hostile but beautiful environment."

Incubator boxes used to bring back penguin eggs.

A very clever tactic for egg-checking.

Inside the penguin house. It was really cold, and fishy, and very cool. Penguins are really neat birds.

I took this picture because I didn't know the answer to it, and I'm always interested in a fact I don't know. Alcids...who knew?

Chips and Tumblers

Howdy all! It's obviously been a long time. A looooong time... *shrug* I have a crazy life at times, what can I say?

Anyways...now that I'm back, I figured I would ease my way back into the blogging waters with a picture. It's a starling. When I'm on my half hour break at work, I sit in my car, listen to music and read, and feed the birds. I keep a bag of tortilla chips in my car, and I crumble them up and toss them out my open window, and then wait. The chip-loving crowd is normally composed of grackles and those little sparrow-type birds, (I am not sure if that's what they actually are...) but lately there has been this really pretty one that has joined in. I had been calling it a tumbler, because it has a really short tail for a bird (it looked like it could tumble over midair if it wanted), but when I described it to my Mama she said that it was a starling. I had never known what a starling looked like before, but I had read about them in books, and they always sounded like a pretty bird. And now I've seen one. They are beautiful birds! So here's a picture for you... The first one is a male grackle, the second is the starling.

~Ro

Artwork...

This is for everyone who has been pushing for me to post about my artwork... (and to those same people, thank you for the pushes...I appreciate them.) Some of them still don't have names, so I labeled them how they feel. The colors look more vivid in real life, but I am super grateful to even have pictures of them, so it's ok. You get the general feel for them... So here ya go...

All the min-escapes

Sea Cove

E41...the favored goose in the E-flock.

Flower Hill

The first... Forgotten Lake

Cave. This one's actually reversible...painted it purposely on square canvas for that reason. I actually prefer it upside down.

Second Fall. One of my favorites.

Heartsongs...and sister... If it needed a title, think I would call this one Gift

Little Brother...another favorite

Wind-flower

Kass' Wood

Cliffs

Dragon Mountains

Starhill. This was one of the first set; it's really special to my heart. Thought it was for me...turns out it was meant for someone else.

This one is mine... Ice dream

December 5th, 12:57

What is it about this time of night

12:32, that wakes me up and pulls at my heart?

Closet, and order, and…someone there,

but it's gone when I reach for it,

grasping at fog

The words fade quickly, ghosts to describe

and the adrenaline fades fast, leaving only clear head

multiple or not, at this time of night

I do not own my head,

I can not hold my thoughts.

When words fail...

And when words fail she writes in riddles
paints pictures with light and feels in color
Who says a heart must speak to be heard?

big ocean, little seal…

But if you don’t understand that is ok too
I have to walk this part of the path alone,
And when words come you might hear them, if you listen.

ground and center, sketch the lines…

And when she’s given seedlings she’ll guard them fiercely
cherish the dirt and sing down the rain,
If you can find True North you’ll never be lost.

keep running, keep playing, hold to the good…

But if this takes an entire vapor can it be ok?
because I am stronger than I know
And when it blooms you will see me, if you look.

listen to the sky, sing back…

And when it hurts she’ll just keep going
comforted by wind and crying out ink
Who says a soul must have windows to be seen?

big ocean, little seal…

But there are lines to be drawn, from the inside out
I must firm them out of the soil that was granted
And when they’re found you can share the growing, if you’re willing.


And so when words fail she writes in riddles
paints pictures with light and feels in color
Who says a heart must speak to be heard?
And can you hear the pattern…?

Phoenix Rising

Bird behind the glass, longing for the sky
bound by no chains, but she cannot move,
for it is love that compels her to stay her wings,
and rest where she feels trapped

a deep rage that masks an even deeper hurt,
unfairness burns in a wish to take it out on those for whom it is not meant
but she stills her claws, for this is what He asked of her,
and it is love and faith that compels her

stay, stay, still your wings
sometimes the path to the sky must bring you groundward first
stay, stay, and still your heart,
for it is love that calls
and love holding you here.

I found this one in one of my writing folders on my computer... Doesn't have a title or anything yet...


Save me, set me free.
There’s a fire that burns inside, set it free,
release, save me, set me free.

Words aren’t enough, I need to scream it out,
pleading, screaming, set me free

Cut the binds that hold me, that keep me silent, keep
me hiding, keep me still
please, please set me free, loose me to be the one I
want to be…
the one I was made to be….

Brain thoughts

I wrote this awhile ago; don't know if it's finished yet...

It was about how I think. Not sure what else to say...

~Ro

-o-


Need to flow, like a river running a groove through my brain matter. Warm or clear, circuits of synapses, smoothing a trench through the softness.
It leaves behind traces, wetness of me, left on the walls of soft grayness.
And in each droplet, a story or feeling or chemical reaction that happened, in a little wet swatch that will over time dry out and then only leave an imprint on the masses of masses of input that has already been left on the sides and walls of the stream.

trains of information, strung along on invisible connections, found by tracing back only feeling. A balance of thought and nothingness- located in the lower back quadrant, or the middle and right, or the upper and back right. Or the non-spot, blank, in the left and upper/middle. Sometimes it is specific, others it is just trusting the synapses, and a special way of waiting, trusting in the dredging up of old things. I won’t forget.
tastes that are smells, colors that have feeling, touch that i haven’t experienced, but is still linked. All are real to me, and all are stored. Linking dreams, whole worlds, are trapped in my head, written in chemical.

8~7~10

And when the world shatters
she wraps herself in a song,
cocooned in the music and
held in its’ anchor.

And when the shards cut deep
she rocks in its’ rhythms,
swelled on waves
of heartbeats and sound

This pain might be too big for her, but truth-melodies
will hold her heart together once more

And when she loses who she is
the tones will remind her
and keep her whole,
cherishing her in their embrace.

And when the numbness comes
it will be held at bay,
unable to penetrate
this wall of sound;

Such pain that feels too big for her, her heart
is splintered, broken.

So when the world shatters
and the shards cut deep;
when she loses herself and the numbness comes,

When this pain is too big…

She wraps herself in a song.

Smallest post ever...

Hey! I have six followers now! *grin* I feel so accomplished…

~Ro

The Tattoo Post...finally!

So here is the long-awaited Tattoo Post! (*grin* I don’t know if it’s actually long awaited by my four faithful followers, but I have definitely been waiting to post it, which totally counts.) And I am so excited that I really don’t know where to begin, which I find amusing. So! I’ll start at the beginning…

Monday morning, went to work…did produce, blah blah.
I got off early, drove to Tempe to Club Tattoo, and got lost on the way. (I really don’t like trying to read directions, even if they’re really simple, and still drive. I’m a new driver…doesn’t feel comfortable yet. Maybe I should get one of those talking GPS’s.) But, I told myself not to be discouraged, and just called the tattoo parlor to get better directions. It turned out that I was just on the wrong side of Rural and University, so after taking a little scenic side route of some random part of ASU’s campus, I managed to turn myself around and get to where I was supposed to be. So I went in, and talked to Trini, who would be doing my tattoo, and made an appointment for seven thirty. Left, went to counseling, (which is Not To Be Blogged About, so we’re moving on,) and then hung around the house til the rest of my finishing school roomies got home. We all drove down in Lady Alpha’s car, (which was a really good thing, because I was excited enough that if I had driven we probably all would’ve ended up lost again or maimed), and got there with plenty of time to spare. Jacklyn B had brought her video camera, so she was our official videographer, and Isabelle was my note-taker. I was a little nervous still, but mostly excited, since I have wanted a tattoo since I was in seventh grade or so. And then, finally Trini came out, and called me back. Isabelle went with me at first, for the all important note taking, but later she left and they all took turns popping their heads in. (You could only take one person with you) It actually turned out that I could do my own mental note taking… She did a great job taking notes, but since it wasn’t nearly as painful as I was expecting, I could just focus on what the pain felt like, and memorize it in my own head, instead of having to just tell her the descriptions while I breathed through the pain. So, if you are wondering what getting a tattoo feels like and are getting a seal-shaped tattoo, on your left inner and back ankle, done in three different shades of black and grey with a little white, this is exactly how it feels. *grin*

It didn’t hurt nearly as much as I was expecting it to. I wonder if this confirms that I have a high pain tolerance…? I guess I was expecting something really bad, a raw, sliced open feeling, or where the pain is so deep that it starts to roil in your stomach and you feel nauseous and break out in a thin sweat. Amputation-level pain. (which, I know, is waaay over the top… but I had nothing to compare it to, and that is where my head went.) But it wasn’t nearly that bad.
When he started, I listened intently to what it felt like, and was surprised. He did the outline first, and it was like a pinching/deep stinging feeling; kind of like being stung by a bee, and kind of like the way stinging nettle feels when you get it on your skin. In fact, I think stinging nettle is the closest that I would describe it as. I realize that if you’ve never experienced stinging nettle then you won’t know what I’m talking about…so here’s the best I can describe it…

Stinging nettle is a plant, related to poison ivy and poison oak. When you brush up against the leaves it immediately starts to itch/burn on the top layer of skin. Then it gets deeper, and at a much faster rate if you scratch it. The deeper pain feels like a burning/stinging feeling that reaches the second layer of skin in a sharp stabbing way. Then a rash of tiny little bumps covers the area, which seem to add to the sting.
Without the little bumps, this is what it felt like, localized on the areas he was going over with the pen. It hurt more the closer he got to my actual ankle bone, but even that wasn’t too bad; I didn’t have to focus my breathing during any of this, which I was totally expecting to have to do. Isabelle said that when he first touched the pen/needle to my skin my breathing deepened, but it was because I was listening to the pain level intently, not because I was having to regulate it. The other thing that it reminded me of was when you have a small cut, and accidentally get lemon juice in it…that sharp stinging feeling. The shading hurt just a little more than the outlining, because he rolled/filled in a circular motion, going over the skin again and again to get the different greys.
It took a lot less time than I was expecting too; I popped out of there in about twenty-thirty minutes. He put a bandage on it with some cream, and told me to stay out of the pool for two weeks. (Two weeks! I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. I swim almost every day, sometimes twice or three times…) Then he told me what kind of lotion to buy, I picked out my Club Tattoo bumper stickers (which have somehow disappeared…I think maybe I left them in Lady Alpha’s car..? I don’t know…) and pow! We left. Afterwards it felt a little sore, a tender/throbbing feeling, like when you get a second-degree burn, but that faded after a day or so. The itching set in after about three days, once the scab formed and started to flake off, and that was honestly the hardest part. But I didn’t scratch, and now (*grin* more than two weeks later…sorry…I really am trying to post more frequently…) she’s all healed. It’s all my skin now… I really love her, and as soon as I get a different picture I will post that; the first one she looks a little pink, and had some blood spots… So that’s the story… til later!
~Ro

First ever picture!

Ha! I figured out how to put a picture on my blog! I am so proud of me... So, there's not really any story behind this little bird (it's a baby magpie...I love magpies) I just wanted to see if I could get a picture to post, and I figured he was worthy of being the first. If I did have a title for him though, it would be Disgruntled Magpie. *laugh* I think it fits, and he's adorable.

Small dots, Huge potential...

I have wanted to learn Braille for a very long time, as far back as six or seventh grade. At first I figured it would be good to know because of my eye degeneration, and the possibility of actually needing it, but then it faded to just a ‘that would be really cool’ kind of thought. Last week I discovered the Braille section in the downtown library, and checked out a book, but even though it was simple, it was still too complicated for me. So this Tuesday, on my library/adventure day, I found another book, this one called ABC Bunny. I think it will be good for a couple of reasons- number one, it’s very simple writing, and two, it has the alphabet, and repetition of the letters. I’ve been practicing in bed (it’s dark, so I don’t need my eyes) but I realized that I might be going about it wrong. I was running my finger over the letters, and saying them out loud, but thinking back, that isn’t how you learn to read. Yes, you learn “A”, but when you first start to read it, you learn the letters phonetically. Instead of thinking C A T spells cat, you sound it out…cuh, aah, tuh…cat. So now I’m practicing linking the physical touch to the phonetic sounds. And tonight was my babysitting night, so while at my cousins’ house Princess Jeru and I made Braille flash cards. *grin* I am really excited about this. It took a little figuring, but I got it down to a system that makes sense. We cut index cards in half, then folded them and glued them shut for stability. Then we glued a seed bead in the top right hand corner to mark which way up was. In Braille books the page numbers are usually marked at the top right hand corner of odd pages, so this way we’ll get used to feeling for a marker in that place. And it will also help for practicing in the dark, because that way we’ll know which way to hold the card, so we’re not reading upside down or sideways. Each of the cards had the six-dot Braille cell marked with a marker for the visual memorization, and then on top of that we also glued seed beads in the proper cell places for touch memorization. All the cards have the letter written on the back as well, so if we’re practicing with someone else they can tell if we’re right or not. Princess Jeru and I are going to first memorize the alphabet by touch, and then move on from there; the goal is to be reading children’s books in six months. I totally think that’s doable, and I’m looking forward to this. How cool will it be to be able to read in the dark? Visually Braille also can double as a written code, which could be handy, and it’s a fun and challenging thing to learn anyways. I will keep an update going on this; we’ll see how it turns out. =)
~Ro

Tattoo thoughts and nachos

So the tattoo-countdown is at five days… (for those of you who don’t know, and can’t guess from the previous sentence, I am getting a tattoo.) *grin* I am really excited, and, I must admit, a little nervous as well. I’ve asked multiple people what it feels like, because I think part of the nervousness is just not knowing, but the answers I get back are disappointing. Personally I don’t think that people are descriptive enough. The usual is ‘it feels like being scratched with a needle, over and over’. Well duh. But to me that doesn’t seem to fully describe it still… Is it a sharp shooting pain? A dull throbbing? The way your knee burns if you scrape off the top layer of skin? The way acid burns, biting? Stinging, aching, nauseating, scraping…? There’s tons of words that could be used, but aren’t. The best one that I’ve heard so far is that it feels like a cat scratch. See, to me that brings it to a level that I understand. Not only the initial scratching feeling, but that stinging, puffy feeling as well. I had been talking to my friend Sparrow, who recently got a tattoo, and that was her description. Anyways… So, five days. I am going with my roomies, and Isabelle is going to be my note-taker during the process. I will sit there and be marked, and she will dutifully write down my dictation, which I will post here later. There is a deeper meaning behind it than just a seal, but only a few people know the whole story; I might add that too, or I might not. We’ll see…
That seems to be all I’ve got for now, and I have a good book and some nachos waiting for me, so toodles. Until my next post! (which, hopefully, will be sooner, rather than later… I’m trying to be more consistent…)
~Ro